The life we should have lived
by irishfanficgal
Summary: Penny looks back at her life, regretfully and lovingly.. She remembers, she will never forget him. Her fallen hero, who went down saving a friend.


**Hey so this is an angsty one shot, about Penny and Leonard, small smidge of angsty Howardette. Sorry if it sucks but I really, really tried!**

How did it come to this? It's a simple question she asks herself everyday. She knew the answer of course. Everyone did. It was him. Leonard Hofstader, her husband. He had loved her, was the only person who had ever made her feel beautiful and the only one who believed in her, no matter what. And how did she repay him? She slept with another man. She was young and scared of the deep feelings she had for she told him, he froze. The smile he normally had on his face, it just fell. He didn't get angry. That wasn't his style. They had decided to go to couples therapy, and he had forgiven her over time. Their four children, Savannah and Kyle, and the five month old twins, Lola and Harry were the light of her life. Apart from him.

How could someone as good as him, how could this happen? Sheldon stayed in his room for a week, not talking. Beverly, the usually robotic woman, broke down into tears when she found out what happened. His siblings, Micheal and Anne, were a mixture of completely devasted and proud of what he had done. His father was inconsolable. Everyone at the university, was solemnly respectful, going so far as to put a shrine up to their lost men. Oh yes, men. Two had been taken that day, but the one Penny needed was her Leonard. Her sunlight. She was considerably more subdued without him, not realizing while he was there how much he helped her shine. He helped everyone, it was just his way.

She wishes she had taken more to time to relfect on how amazing he really was. She hopes he knew how much he meant to her, even though she didn't show it all the time. She remembers the days she'd specially chose her shortest clean pyjama shorts and white tank top to go over for coffee in the morning and how'd he'd stare at her. She cries when she relives the day he told her he didn't deserve her. "You're so amazing. What angel was looking over me when I found you and you decided to love me. I love you so much" were the words he'd uttered. Everyday, he'd make sure he told her he loved her. He'd tell her, every single night without fail, that although he was falling asleep, he wouldn't miss her, because she was always in his dreams. It always made her so secure falling asleep.

She remembers how he used to hold her through the night, the way she just lay there savouring every moment. She wishes she had savoured him more. Sheldon told her it wasn't her fault, everyone did. but she felt responsible, if she hadn't been such a terrible person, he would be with her now, but no, karma caught up with she got pregnant, she had told him first. He knew and it was like she had told him they won the lottery every time. He had joyously shouted out, in pure glee, and spun her around. The nights were spent with his mouth presssed against the tiny bump she had, talking to them. He was beside her when they arrived. He was there to comfort her while she screamed at him, and laugh and make jokes when she said they were never having sex again, like she had done each time. He was meant to be there when Kyle turned three, and Savannah turned five and the twins turned one. But he wasn't.

He was going to miss so much. He had been there for Sheldon and Amy finally sleeping together, and when their daughter, Lily was born. He was there for Bernadette and Howard's triplets, Daniella, Blake and David. He was there for both women's labour, and was the one who comforted Sheldon as he worried the child wouldn't like him. He was there when Raj came out openly and got a civil partership with Stuart. He was Stuart's best man. He spent every day with the group, yet looking back, they know it wasn't enough. He was the one they all confided in, the calm one, the one who would have done anything to make them smile. Especially her.

She smiles sadly at the "Family" portrait hanging in the middle of the living room wall. Sheldon, Amy and Lily, a pregnant with the triplets Bernadette and Howard, her and Leonard and Savannah and Kyle along with Raj and Stuart were in it. It was meant to be formal, the picture perfect family. But they got something much better. Sheldon had his hulk hands, Leonard had put superhero t-shirts on the kids when the women weren't looking, Bernadette had a cat ear hairband (for cat woman) on, Amy was wearing a top saying "Live long and prosper", Raj and Stuart were wearing matching lightsaber belt buckles, Penny was wearing the wonderwoman head band and Leonard was wearing a superman cape. Everyone was in superhero poses.

To most, it was stupid and goofy but to them it was perfect. It was all Leonard's idea, because he said he viewed them all as his family and everyone agreed it was true. Lookking back, he was always the one suggesting the sentimental things. It was the thing everyone who met him, remembered about him. The week Sheldon went to Texas and Amy couldn't go with him, because she was pregnant, he had immediatly offered her the spare room in the house and when she declined, he wasted no time in packing a bag and sleeping on their couch, much to Amy's gratitude. It just showed the simple decency he had.

Tears fall from her eyes as she pulls out of the driveway, the kids in the back. She was meeting everyone there, it had been a year to the day it had happened, and the pain was still as raw as it had happened yesterday. Savannah's eyes were red, and Penny couldn't help but sob harder at the pain her daughter was in. They got to the grave yard and everyone bar Howard was there. Bernadette was crying as hard as she was. She went straight to Penny, and holds her tight. "I miss them" she weeps and Penny nods, wiping her eyes. "I do too" she whispers. The group silently follows them as they walk towards the grave. _Here lies Leonard Leakey Hofstader, born march, 1972, he died a hero. Howard Joel Wolowitz, born September, 1971, he died with a dear friend. Both will be dearly missed, and never forgotten, Live long and prosper._

The night it happened was at the university. Penny and Bernadett had pulled up to the car park to surprise their husbands. The smelt smoke and saw the flames. The panic set in immediatly as they ran towards the door, blocked off by fire brigade. Leonard came over coughing and Penny almost fainted in relief. "I have to go back, Howard's in there" he coughs and runs through the crowd straight back in. A few tension filled moments later, he came out, bleeding and spluttering, an unconcious Howard leaning on him. He fell to the ground. The men were put into ambulances and the girls went with them. Booth died that nigth to much damage to their lungs. They passed within seconds of each other. It was almost a poetic ending, to a bittersweet fairytale. Unfortunately, this fairytale doesn't have the happily ever after Penny had always dreamed of.

**Hey there. Did you like the one shot? I'm sorry if you didn't, but if you did, let me know! I love feedback people! Thanks for reading, I hope it wasn't too sad. **


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